Diana Sterling, the author of "Parent As Coach" the text that I use when I teach my parenting course, once mentioned that it is way more effective when offering a teen a complement to use, "I really respect you for ...X..." rather than the usual, "I am very proud of you." Because I trust her advice, I used it the next time my son did something I wanted to praise. The reaction I got was subtle but profound. I got a quiet thank you and a little later an, out-of-nowhere hug. I have been using it ever since.
It amazes me that ever though both of those phrases have the same intention behind them, they have such a different effect on the listener. The difference seems to stem from the implication of each phrase. "You make me so proud," is about how the listener's behavior or accomplishment effects the speaker's feelings. How it shines well on the speaker and his accomplishment of being a great parent. Other than any good feelings tor doing some thing to give the speaker good feelings, there is little in that statement for the listener.
"I respect you for ...." on the other hand, is all about the listener. It is saying, "I truly acknowledge you and what you did or accomplished." Now that is something to really feel good about!
About the Author:
Jason Wittman, MPS has a private practice as a Life Coach specializing in working with parents of teenage boys and young adults ( http://TheParentsCoach.com ) He can be reached at jason@theparentscoach.com
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I have noticed when I begin a coaching relationship with new parents that most of their interactions with their teens are negative in content. They are about correcting this behavior, criticizing that bit of excessiveness, warning that if they don't do better they will end up like their older brother, bum of a father, etc., and so on.
Teenage years, growing through adolescence and onto adulthood, are all about learning. Most learning lessons come from doing things, making mistakes and eventually learning what works. Teens are continually and naturally making mistakes. As a result, they continually have very negative judgmental feelings about themselves. They are always feeling too small, to big, not strong enough, not good looking enough, stupid, too smart and on and on. The last thing they need is for their parents to confirm what they already falsely believe to be true about themselves. I say falsely because most of those beliefs are developed by comparing their insides (how they feel about themselves, to their peers or their celebrity idols outsides (how those people look and act and appear to feel). They always lose those comparisons.
Their parents then come along and in a desperate effort to shame them into acting better, point out how bad they are doing and how if they don't do better, how they will end up a big nothing. Although the parent's intentions were admirable, they usually have the opposite effect. Their teens already, quite painfully know and feel all those negatives. In fact, they have, on their own, blown up their failures into a projection of eventual doom and gloom. Then they hear the same doom and gloom predictions from their parents, which only further confirm what terrible kids they are. Hardly the motivating messages their parents intended.
The most unfortunate part of this scenario is what happens next when the parent's comments do not produce the desired outcome. Because they do not have any other "motivational tools," they just increase the volume and frequency of similar statements. When they continue to have no positive results, they might even try throwing in some "have pity on me and my feelings" statements. "You are worrying me and your father, sick. We stay up crying all night....."
So here is a kid who knows he is messing up and feels terrible. He also is very frustrated that he can't pull himself out of his troubles. He is trapped by the Boy Code, which prohibits him from admitting mistakes and asking for help. Now, on top of all that, he is getting messages from his parents agreeing that he is just a miserable, good-for-nothing bum that is making his parents, who he loves, suffer! What's a kid to do, give up? And that's exactly what they do in one form or another. Drugs, alcohol, doing bad things to get lots of praise from peers (read "gangs") are natural consequences of giving up.
Enough doom and gloom on my part. Here is the good news. There is a better way of motivating teens than hurling negative thunderbolts. That only worked in Greek mythology. If parents concentrate on what their teens are doing right and praise that, they get to shine some healing and loving light onto and into their hurting teens.
So you are thinking right now, what has that bum of a kid done recently that deserves my praise? If you concentrate and focus on his lousy behavior, you are right. So let's focus instead on other things. For instance, he comes home with all D's on his report card. He already is feeling bad and just knows you are going to be all over him. When you look at the report card you look past the D's and notice that he has had perfect attendance. He showed up and didn't ditch school even once! You then tell him this, "I see that you had perfect attendance for the whole term. I really respect that even though you are having lot of problems with the school work, you still showed up every day. That takes a lot of courage. The grades are just some feedback that says you have some more foot work to do. You know, the only time you truly fail is when you give up and it doesn't look like you are giving up. I really respect you for that. What do you think you can do to bring the grades up? Do you need some outside tutoring? You know I will assist any way you need. Just ask and it's yours. I love you very much!"
Now you have his attention (after he picks himself up off of the floor)! If you continue to accentuate the positives, most kids will eventually come around. Keep being positive and your teens will come to look at you as being a trusted partner in their growing up process. If you wait to be asked instead of offering advice and opinions, you will be frequently asked. You then become as effective parent. That is your mission, isn't it?
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The Boy Code is a pervasive, unwritten code that is so ingrained in our culture that most people, unless they are aware of it, enforce it through their responses and comments to boys from the day they are born. After working with male teens for many years, I intuitively knew about the boy code and what to do in raising kids to counter it. I am forever indebted, though, to Dr. William Pollack for his research on this subject and his great book about raising boys called, " Real Boys Workbook ." His books both validated my experience and work and gave me a great text and reference guidebook to offer to the parents I coach. Much of the theory I am presenting here is drawn from him. If every parent who is raising sons would read this early on, their boys would have a far easier time as teens. In it he discusses how the Boy Code influences everything a teen does, how they make decisions and choices, who they date and what feelings they can and can not express to others. That is just the first chapter; the rest is a fantastic guide for understanding and raising boys.
The Boy Code tells boys and teens (and unfortunately, even grown men) that they must always appear strong by never giving in or showing signs of weakness, being in control of all situations and especially their emotions (except for anger and violence), never admitting to defeat or being wrong, always being macho even when they falling apart inside, being independent by "being a man!" and so on. I am sure by now you get the point. The bottom line is that any outward appearance or utterance that might possibly be considered by others as "shameful" is to be avoided. This means that crying when hurt is a no, no. Hanging around mother or girls, except on dates, is to be avoided for fear of being labeled a sissy or the other "f" word, faggot. This is, also why, by the time they become teens, they answer our requests for a conversation about how they are and feel with grunts or two word answers, "I'm O.K.," even when it is obvious that they are not.
Besides the obvious, consequences of the Boy Code on teens includes:
not wanting to share feelings with parents, being obstinate, fighting with siblings, and being bullies and the like. There are other consequences that are of huge concern to society and when they happen, they are blamed on the teens without society taking any of the blame for setting them up. I am referring to youth gang activity including drive-by shootings and to school shootings. Two weeks before the Columbine High School shootings, I heard Dr. Pollack during an interview with Oprah say, "When boys cannot cry, bullets become their tears!" Unfortunately and prophetically, he was totally right. More unfortunate is that those two boys were totally blamed for all the havoc they created with very little to no culpability laid at the doorstep of our society. The Boy Code of society set up the other students who teased and bullied them, literally to death. Society, through the Boy Code, gave the students and faculty permission to tolerate that harassment because "boys will be boys." And, finally, society's Boy Code taught those two kids to hold inside their very hurt feelings until they exploded.
Parents, who do not understand the Boy Code, inadvertently enforce it by their interactions with their boys and set themselves up for many problems with their future teens, including keeping all their feelings inside. Dr. Pollack cites a study that observed parents of newborns. The researchers were watching how the parents interacted with their babies. The results illustrate how the Boy Code messages start being given right out of the womb. The parents of girls mimicked all the facial expressions of their new born. When she smiled, they smiled. When she frowned, they frowned. The parents of boys only mimicked happy expressions of their baby. And we wonder why they won't share their unhappy feelings with us when they are teens!
The Power of Just Hanging Out
When I, as a grad student, started my first program, which worked with kids who were hanging out on the streets of Ithaca, NY, I didn't have a clue as to how to approach those kids. They were all hanging out, sitting on the low wall of a local bank. Since I didn't know how to approach them, I didn't. I just sat patiently on another part of the wall, day after day, until the self-appointed spokesman of the group came over and asked what I was doing sitting on their wall. I explained about my new program, including how I assisted kids to get jobs. He said, "Can you get me a job?" Of course I was prepared with the names and numbers of some of my merchant friends who were looking for help. After that, I got to hang out on their part of the wall. Inadvertently I had discovered the power of just hanging out. From that moment, 34 years ago, just hanging out was what allowed me and the programs I created to reach the most unreachable kids, including my 13 foster sons and my own son. Just hanging out for extensive periods of time gave them the space to feel secure and supported enough to eventually open up.
One of my first foster sons, Benny, taught me the other parts of the just hanging out lesson. He was a Ute Native American who, as a transgendered kid on the reservation in Utah in the middle 1970s, had run away to Tucson, AZ for his own protection. Part of his culture included being very comfortable with long periods of silence. One day, he was especially troubled with something and, of course, he wouldn't talk about it. I was a little tired so I went into my bedroom and laid down on my back on my bed. Sometime later, he came in and laid down on his back on the other side of the bed. Something inside me said, "Don't say anything, just lay here." A long while later, he started to talk. Immediately, I rolled on my side and propped my head up with my arm and, looking at him, started to respond. He got up and walked out of the room. Ugg!
The next time I noticed he was holding in a lot of feelings, I went and laid down on my bed. Eventually he came in and we had a repeat of the above scenario with two notable exceptions, first I stayed on my back and talked to him via the ceiling. Second, I allowed an amount of silence equal to his before I responded. The other part of the just hanging out lesson that I learned from him was it had to be done at the kids’ level of comfort. Kids who feel less-than and shameful do not like to be directly stared at by anyone, especially by adults, especially if they come from a culture where direct contact is challenging. That was one part of the learning. The other part was that matching the rhythm of his conversation, allowed him to feel totally comfortable. Long periods of silence were the norm for his culture. My initial, immediate response, the first time, was taken as an attack. I have found that most hanging out conversations I have had with kids are way more effective if I allow some silence before I respond. It usually takes them a long period of time to get both the comfort and courage to start a feelings type of conversation. I believe that even a moderately short period of silence before I answer unconsciously signals that I put some thought into my answer. It also matches the rhythm of their conversations and is therefore calming.
Hanging out does not mean having a conversation over dinner, although insisting that the family has dinner together every night, as my Mother did, is a good start. The hanging out that I am suggesting doing with your teens involves a planned activity when you and your teen are alone for an extended period of time. If you pinned me down to a time, I would say three hours, minimum. It needs to be an activity where there is an opportunity to talk. Movies do not qualify since the only talk time is before and after, unless it is combined with some other activity like a very casual and long picnic or lunch at a quiet restaurant with a patio where you could talk without being overheard by others. Better still is something like Dr. Pollack's favorite, going fishing. Fishing is a great example because it has all the elements for success. The focus is off your son and on the water and what is probably not happening. And there are long periods of boring silence which, if you overcome your need to fill the silence with conversation and shut up, will allow him to eventually start talking.
The last piece of this just hanging out is that it is probably more effective with only one parent at a time. It is hugely important for the family to have outings, eating meals together, and the like. For this particular exercise to be effective, it needs to be one-on-one. In a two parent family, it is important that both parents get to hang out alone with each of their kids. Yes, this is a large commitment of time. The consequences of not doing this usually take way more time to deal with and are way less enjoyable. Just do it and you will very quickly notice the difference.
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When I was in Viet Nam, I realized that gorilla wars were very different from the ones in the movies. There were no fronts, no back lines and the territory was very peaceful just like any town in the U.S., until it wasn't. It could go from tranquillity and boredom to total chaos in seconds. I am not suggesting that parenting is like fighting a war. To the contrary, if you follow my parenting advice, it will be one of collaboration with zero supremacy battles. It is that just like in gorilla wars, parenting teens often is quite boring with little to do most of the time, until it is not. Parenting then becomes a non-stop, intense period of coaching, teaching, sorting through high drama and lots of emotion, consoling and cheer-leading. Did I leave anything out?
It is the boring - nothing is happening - what am I doing here? - part of parenting teens to which I am going to address my comments. In the last blog, I talked about how parents need to understand that they are in this parenting game until their teens are adults. Even then, they are still on call until they can no longer take the calls and expire. I call it "Parenting On Demand." That is still true and here is the other part of parenting.
When kids are young, parenting is a full time occupation. As they go through the teen years, parenting duties become more like my description of the gorilla war, boring until it's not. In late teens and early twenties, especially after they move out, the times when parents get to be parents get to be less and less. There might be months and even a year when an occasional phone call might be the only contact. The is true even more when the teens are doing things like drugs and alcohol. The last thing they want to get is parental feedback. This is when the going gets rough, emotionally for parents.
How do we, as parents, mentally deal with this decreasing lack of parenting opportunities? We need to understand that good parenting includes getting out of the way and letting our teens have the experiences that will let them develop as young adults. Understanding that will go a long way to alleviating the pangs of uselessness and guilt that naturally run through the brains of parents who are used to the non-stop parenting of pre-teens. They need to have their experiences, positive and negative. The positive ones allow them to feel good and become confidant about what they do know and handle well. Most important, they get to unequivocally own that their achievements were the result of their own abilities and not because they were under their parents wings. They also need to have the negative ones to know what they do not know, what they still need to learn and for what to ask your teaching, coaching and guidance. Until they know they don't know, they are not teachable.
The hardest part of this new parenting role is dealing with the helplessness of not being able to protect them from, or even warn them of the impending negative consequences of their actions. If we have done our jobs when they were preteens and early teens, we must trust that they already know almost everything we might tell them and that our words go with them as they test the water for themselves. They will use our teachings to guide themselves through those waters when the going gets rough. There is a greater chance that they will call on our advice, counsel and coaching if we get out of the way, allow them to have increasing freedom to figure life out for themselves, and make it quite clear that we still love and care for them and are infinitely available for them when they have the need.
There is an old adage about relationships, "The bird you grasp in your hand is not yours. The one you allow to perch on your wrist, which then flies into the trees and, on its own, returns to your wrist is truly yours." Grasping your teens and not letting them fly, creates polarity responses where they will do the opposite of what you are suggesting, even when they know you are right. That is because asserting their individuality becomes their over-riding mission.
There is another emotional problem that hits parents when their teens and young adult kids are out developing life on their own. It has been dubbed "the empty nest syndrome." This is especially true for single parents who have been relying on their teens to be their only source of companionship. The antidote to this is "Get A Life!" It is imperative throughout the teenage years, especially the latter ones, that parents develop and pursue the personal relationships and activities that they only dreamed of having and pursuing when they were full-time parents. Empty nest feelings and loneliness are good feedback messages the scream, "Go get a life apart from your kids!" Your kids will be relieved when they see you having a social life. They also have separation feelings that include guilt of abandoning you, so for their sake and yours, go get a life. This ought to be a liberating and fun time for all. Start treating yourself well, you earned it!
About the Author:
Jason Wittman, MPS has a private practice as a Life Coach specializing in working with parents of teenage boys and young adults and teaching effective parenting techniques ( http://TheParentsCoach.com ) He can be reached at jason@theparentscoach.com
Would you like to reprint this article? You can, as long as you
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parenting of their teens. He also publishes "My Coach Jason's Tips
for Winning at Life" monthly ezine. You can subscribe and explore
how you can benefit by his coaching at http://TheParentsCoach.com "
I recently read a very short yet very important book , "The Dip" by Seth Goden. Although it is written mainly for business people, the concept totally applies to parenting of teenagers. Seth postulates that in most enterprises there is a period of time before winning or success happens when it seems like nothing is happening and that future effort to achieve success would be in vain. He labels that period, "the dip." He contrasts that with other similar feeling situations, "The Cliff," where the enterprise is about to crash and burn and "The Cul-de-Sac," a dead-end situation that no additional effort will ever produce results. He explains that in the latter two conditions, quitting is the appropriate action to take because it frees people to then go and find a winnable game to play. In contrast, for truly winnable games in business and life, there is a period where we do the footwork and pay the dues until success and winning happens. That period can be lengthy.
Since all three of the situations feel the same when we are in them, the skill comes in being able to determine which is which. When it is determined that we are truly in a Dip, that's when perseverance and endurance becomes the critical skills to prevent quitting before the miracle. He quotes a famous marathon runner who sets in his mind the conditions that must happen before he will quit a race. The runner does this because otherwise by the 23rd mile, all the regularly occurring things like thirst, fatigue, muscle aches and the like will be used by his mind to manufacture a plausible reason to quit. Using that as an example, the author says that conditions where quitting ought to be the option of choice need to be set before the endeavour starts. If and when it is time to quit, the quit need to be premeditated and planned out. Quitting should never happen at times of high emotion because rational courses of action are never made well at those times.
Although Mr. Godin did not have parenting of teenagers in mind, his theory totally applies to this very serious enterprise or game, as I like to call it, of raising teenagers.
I firmly believe most parents who failed at raising their teens quit prematurely. These parents misread all the negative things that teens do to themselves and their parents, such as repeatedly getting in trouble, ignoring parental advise, ignoring their parents and worse, as being evidence that there was no chance of a successful ending or win. The felt like they were in a "Cul-de-Sac" and they quit! Parenting of teens is a perfectly winnable game when the entire teenage years and experience is understood to be a colossal, long term Dip. The win comes when they finally make it through the Dip and emerge as wonderful, responsible adults.
When I say long term, I mean it. The currently agreed upon definition of the length of adolescence by the youth worker community is thirteen to twenty four years old. My own son emerged at almost twenty-eight and many of the young people I have been working with in my youth program since they were middle teens have taken as long.
I am firmly convinced that the main key ingredient of successful parenting of teens is the understanding that we will be there for them for the duration. Period! This is probably the one area of life where quitting is not an option. That said, there are times and situations where it might appear to your teens that you have quit because you have refused to have anything to do with them while they are participating in some outrageous act of irresponsibility. If you are doing so because you feel that is the best strategy or tactic to either get their attention or to let them have a necessary negative lesson, you are not quitting parenting. To the contrary, you are being a great, concerned parent.
There are times when we, at parents, have to retreat and allow our kids to fall on their faces and experience the feedback that they are on the wrong road. Until they have that experience, they are not teachable. As parents all we can do is to allow the process to happen and pray that their negative experiences will teach the lesson without any lasting long term negative consequences. This is probably the worst time, emotionally, for parents and the most critical time for their kids. It is the time that many parents let those emotions run their actions and make one of two bad decisions. They either go and rescue their kids before the lessons are learned or they quit being parents. The first decision robs their teens from really experiencing the results of their actions so they never get the message that change is necessary in the way they think and do things in their lives. Without getting that message, they will never ask their parents for the guidance on how to change. I hope it is obvious how this decision is disastrous to the teen and to the parenting process.The second decision, that of quitting being a parent is even worse because that means that the teens are never going to be able to receive the parental support and guidance that they will eventually seek and need.
When working with teens on their own and when parenting my family, I thought of myself as a patient opportunist. I needed to patiently wait for those windows of opportunity, those teachable moments, when there was a request for coaching or teaching. That's what parenting of teens is all about. There are times when those windows of opportunity might be years apart. We only fail as parents if we are not around to be parents when those windows appear.
There is an old saying that when one is knee deep in alligators, it is very difficult to remember that the original mission was to drain the swamp. All the trials and tribulations of adolescents are just alligators. The mission is to parent them through The Dip, that minefield called adolescents and onto a wonderful adulthood. The key to persevering through this long Dip is to keep that mission always in mind, especially when all you are seeing are alligators.
About the Author:
Jason Wittman, MPS has a private practice as a Life Coach specializing in working with parents of teenage boys and young adults and teaching effective parenting techniques ( http://TheParentsCoach.com ) He can be reached at jason@theparentscoach.com
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for Winning at Life" monthly ezine. You can subscribe and explore
how you can benefit by his coaching at http://TheParentsCoach.com "
Andy Wibbels, the guy who's teaching was instrumental in getting this blog up and running in a very short amount of time, is hosting a new tele-series. It is called ProBlogger Confidential and once a month he will interview one of the top minds in problogging and grill them on what is really working right now. Knowing Andy, it will be definately worth the small investment. You can get more information and subscribe at Problogger Confidential.
Yesterday morning I was awakened to the sound of many hovering helicopters. They were press copters and they were staked out in the sky over Paris Hilton's house, which unfortunately, is way too close to mine. They were there to get a glimpse of the Sheriffs taking her away in handcuffs and back into court. As the day's drama unfolded, I realized that she is the perfect example of how not to raise teenagers.
"
For those of you in the 3% of the world that didn't catch the drama on TV, here is a quick synopsis. A while ago, this ultra rich, 26 going on 13 year old named Paris was caught driving under the influence and was convicted on a lesser charge, put on probation and had her driving privileges suspended. She was caught, for the second time, for driving on a suspended license, a violation of her probation, and the Judge sentenced her to 45 days in county jail and stipulated, “No work furlough. No work release. No electronic monitoring.” After a couple of days in the slammer, the poor dear was having a fit, so her parents sent their psychiatrist to visit her and he convinced the Sheriff to release her to house arrest for "medical reasons." The Sheriff complied without consulting the Judge who was rightfully furious. The Judge ordered her to be brought back to court where he sent her back to jail, without passing "Go" or collecting $200 (as if she needed it).
From the reporters in court, we learned that during the proceedings she quietly sobbed and kept looking at her parents and mouthed "I love you." After the Judge issued his orders, as she was being led away, she broke out in tears, crying, “It’s not fair. It’s not right!” Her mother shouted out, "Paris, don't!" Just after the door to the court closed on her, she let out an anguished scream.
It occurred to me that the reason for all these histrionics was that this was probably the first time in her life that Paris has ever been disciplined and wasn't either rescued by her parents or bring able to buy herself out of having to face the consequences of her irresponsible behavior. Some of the talking heads on TV were bemoaning how poor Paris was a pawn caught in a feud between the Judge and the sheriff. That totally ignored the fact that she was in that predicament because she had acted like the spoiled irresponsible brat she is and had twice ignored a Judges orders. Finally some adult in her life was making her accountable for her actions and that someone, Judge Sauer, was sticking by his guns despite the interference with his orders by the Sheriff acting on the behest of her rescuing parents' psychiatrist.
All the foster kids I have raised, my own son and all the kids I have worked with in my youth programs knew that if they were arrested for something they were truly guilty of doing, they could expect to sit in jail. I would not do bail and would only get involved to the extent of arranging rehab after release if the charges were drug or alcohol related. Sure, I would visit them in jail, but only to coach them on how they might better conduct their lives so as not to end up there again. Under no circumstances did I ever use my influence on the court system to spring someone who was legitimately in there. To do so would have robbed them of an opportunity to finally understand the consequences of their actions.
I once knew a county judge in Ithaca, N.Y., The Hon. Bruce Dean, who was fond of pointing to the county jail across the parking lot and saying, "That's where people find religion!" By that he meant their getting a clear understanding of the reality of the consequences of their irresponsibility.
Paris finally has her first opportunity to "find religion." Both she and her loving parents are very lucky for being given this opportunity, this wake up call. They are very lucky that the call didn't come when Paris had killed someone else and/or herself while driving under the influence. Yes, even Bentleys can get mangled in high speed crashed! It is just a shame that her parents did not teach her these lessons as a child and seem to be continuing to "protect" her from herself and the consequences of her actions. They are very lucky that she is getting 45 days to reflect on her irresponsibility and not a funeral. Hopefully, although not likely, they will now play a more positive role in assisting teir emotionally young child to become a responsible, mature adult. This might be their last chance.
For those of you who are thinking right now, "What does the lives of the rich and famous have to do with me?" here is the reason to pay attention and learn. Even if you are not rich, the parenting lessons here apply to all. This is a wake up call to review how you are raising your pre-teens and teens. By your words and actions, are you rewarding irresponsibility? The daddy in the Beach Boys song was being a responsible did. His daughter was acting very irresponsible while having "fun, fun, fun" so "her daddy took the T-Bird away." Do that for your kids before a judge or a funeral director does it for you.
About the Author:
Jason Wittman, MPS has a private practice as a Life Coach specializing in working with parents of teenage boys and young adults and teaching effective parenting techniques ( http://TheParentsCoach.com ) He can be reached at jason@theparentscoach.com
Would you like to reprint this article? You can, as long as you
publish the entire article and include this complete blurb with
it: "Life Coach Jason Wittman specializes in working with parents
of teenage boys and young adults and teaches parents effective
parenting of their teens. He also publishes "My Coach Jason's Tips
for Winning at Life" monthly ezine. You can subscribe and explore
how you can benefit by his coaching at http://TheParentsCoach.com
I am regularly asked by parents of teens to give them an estimate of when their kids will brow out of being teenagers and become responsible adults. The basic question is" When is this over?" The answer is not very clear these days. It is a bad news, good news and it depends, kind of answer. I am convinced by my observing this process throughout my many years and from my observing how fast this process can happen in other cultures, that a teen's environment plays a very important role in determining just how fast this process happens.
When I was an Air Force officer stationed in Viet Nam, I used to volunteer to teach English to the kids in a local town. Observing these kids and the roles they were playing in their families was both an eye opener and gave me an answer to a dilemma I had had since I had my Bar Mitzvah at the age of thirteen. In the Jewish religion, at thirteen, one goes through the Bar Mitzvah ceremony that signifies that he (and now she) is an adult in the eyes of the religion and can be counted as an adult for purposes of gathering the minimum required number of adults (a minion) necessary to have a prayer service. "Why such a young age to be called an adult?" I asked, knowing full well I wasn't close to filling that role at thirteen. I got my answer observing my Vietnamese student. Most of their fathers were either fighting the war or were dead. At the ripe old age of 13, they were performing the duties of the head of the household. They still had the emotions of a kid and looked to their mothers for comfort and guidance. For all other matters, they, the oldest sons, were in charge. These were town kids, so most of their family businesses were small shops. Daily, these kids got up at five AM, opened the family shop by six, worked there until school started, went to school and then back to work at their shop and after closing the shop in the early evening, voluntarily came back to the school to get English lessons three times a week.
After observing these kids in action for a year, I had the answer to my Bar Mitzvah question. The early history of the Jewish people was rough enough to where every able bodied person was needed for the family to survive, so kids grew up fast. As always, the environment rules!
When I was growing up in the late 1950s, kids were finished being adolescents at 18 years old, unless they went to college which gave them a four year reprieve. At 18, men, especially, were expected to be either in a job, in the military or in college, period! By 21, many were married and either had or about to have kids. Most of the kids I knew were living on their own and on their own earnings by 21 years old.
In the years since then, there has been less and less need for young people in our labor force, so there have been less and less demand on them to grow up quickly. As a result, today, many kids are still living with their parents, well into their twenties and are still trying to figure out what to do when they grow up. Because their environment, meaning the culture and their families, allow them to be acting like teenagers at 25, they are maturing emotionally at a similarly slower rate. If they use drugs and alcohol at anything higher than a very low recreational level, their emotional growth well slow down more or stop completely.
When is this adolescent period over? The bad news is that there is little pressure from the current culture which discourages perpetual adolescence, as can be seen by the glorification by the press of the scandals of the rich and famous twenty-something's. There is good news, though. If parents are willing to create a home environment for your pre-teens and teens where responsible actions and decision making is taught to and expected of them and is modeled the parent's own behavior, they will be able to greatly influence the duration of the growing up process.
"But don't kids need to be having fun?" you ask. The answer is of course they need to have fun. Having fun and being responsible are not opposites. If their parents create a home environment where there is lots of laughter and wholesome, responsible recreation and fun activities, their teens will grow up with the understanding that both are simultaneously possible. Teens who observe their parents having lots of fun with their friends without getting plastered on cocktails before, during and after dinner, will grow up knowing that socializing without drugs and alcohol is both possible and fun. They will be much better equipped to withstand the outside environmental pressures from their peers to engage in irresponsible wipe out drinking and drugging.
So, it depends on you, their parents. What you do to create a supportive environment that emphasizes growing up steadily and responsibly, in an atmosphere of fun and good times, will be of great influence.
About the Author:
Jason Wittman, MPS has a private practice as a Life Coach specializing in working with parents of teenage boys and young adults ( http://TheParentsCoach.com ) He can be reached at jason@theparentscoach.com
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There are only two "musts" when parenting teens. I say "musts" because they provide the foundation for everything else. These two principles build on each other and will greatly influence the value structure that your teen will develop and will let them know you are a reliable source of guidance.
The first principle is that when asked, either directly or indirectly, always label irresponsibility as irresponsibility. If you think that what your teen has done is not in his or the world he lives in's best interests, he needs you to tell him what you think.
Teens are always testing adults to see if they are reliable sources of guidance. They might act like they are not interested in guidance. That is just a brave cover for a questioning inside. The way they test is to ask for an answer to something for which they already know the answer and evaluate the reply they get. If their parents, in a futile attempt to court their friendship, give an answer that is anything less than what their kids already know to be the truth, their teens will know that they are not a reliable source for moral and responsible guidance on matters where they do not know the answer.
There is no such thing as a non-judgmental reply. You, as the parent, are being called on for your opinion. To give a non-judgmental answer is taken by teens in one of two ways. The first is that since you didn't label their act or proposed act as being irresponsible then you are sanctioning it. No opinion is an opinion! The second way they interpret such a reply is that you don't care about them. If you did, you would let them know when you think they are about to be in possible or impending trouble.
As kids get older, it is important to wait until asked either directly or indirectly for your guidance or opinion. Reserve direct unrequested interventions for those situations where you see grave consequences if they were to continue on their present path. If you have been consistently giving good reliable advice, you will be regularly called on, although usually when they have exhausted all other possible sources of answers, but they will call.
Many times you will be asked indirectly. It takes some real active listening to hear the question because it probably will come as a statement. It could be the telling of a recent exploit that was borderline unsafe, illegal or both. Your reply ought to be given in the same conversational, relaxed manner at their story, so as not to break the rapport of the conversation. None-the-less it needs to be very clear in your reply that what was just told to you concerns you for their sake. For example, when I worked on the streets with kids and one of them told me that he had just done some major shoplifting and got away with it, my answer said in a joking off-handed manner was, "I am sure glad that I still have my jail pass so I will be able to visit you when you're not so slick the next time." My rule is that I can not let any tale of irresponsibility go by without my view being quite clear. The only reason I was being told these stories was to get my opinion. The same goes for you and your teens.
The second "must" principle goes hand-in-hand with the first principle. You must always be a great role model for your teens. The saying is, "If you talk the talk, you must walk the walk!" If you are hoping to raise your children and teens with good manners, honesty, good wholesome ways of doing things, eating, and living moral lives, then you must model those attributes and model them more absolutely than you can expect them to be followed. Your teens will learn more from what you do than what you say. Actions DO speak louder than words!
Teens will naturally amplify what you do to justify what they want to do. Teens view the world in absolutes. It is either this or that. There are no grey areas, no distinctions. For instance; you are shopping for groceries with them and you "sample" an apricot without asking the clerk for a taste. In your teen's minds, you either bought the apricot or you stole it. It matters not that most green grocers expect minor sampling. Your stealing the piece of fruit will be taken by your teens as license and a justification to shoplift.
It is a good idea to, every once in a while, take inventory of what you do in your teen's presence in absolute terms, as they would see it. Then ask yourself if you are living a good example. Remember, knocking off a six-pack of beer while watching a football game, even though you won't be driving, is saying to your teen that drinking a six-pack in one sitting is an O.K. thing to do and they probably will do it while driving! Smoking that occasional marijuana joint at a party with your friends will be taken by your teens as a green light to get high all the time.
An important part of parenting is being a great role model. Sometimes being a great role model involves forgoing some of those goodies that might be O.K. if you weren't a great parent. It is a small price to pay for keeping your teens on a responsibly steady path. If my father could choke down liver every Wednesday while we were growing up so that we would not have his bias against liver, you can certainly make the necessary sacrifices to insure that your kids do not pick up and amplify your not-so-great habits.
About the Author:
Jason Wittman, MPS has a private practice as a Life Coach specializing in working with parents of teenage boys and young adults ( http://TheParentsCoach.com ) He can be reached at jason@theparentscoach.com
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~Comments on the shootings at Santana High School in Santee, CA and Columbine High School and a call for zero tolerance for Teasing, Taunting, Ridicule and Bullying (TTRB) and the teaching of self-esteem~
I originally wrote this article, just after the Santana High School shooting in Santee, CA in March 2001. I thought then and still do that the press concentrating on "guns in schools" and "bullying" stories are talking about symptoms (guns) and only part of the problem (bullying). We are now at the eight year anniversary of the shootings at Columbine High School and today there is yet another and far worse shooting spree at the Virginia Tech University. From the press reports and the statements of school officials and concerned citizens, it doesn’t seem like much has changed to change the chances of future catastrophes. It is the same old speculative explanations and remedies that have not worked to date. Once again, I offer my suggestions that are based on a lifetime of successfully working with marginalized kids. Please take note.
When 15-year-old Andy Williams opened fire on the students of Santana High School in Santee, CA, on Monday, March 6th, he fulfilled the hidden desires and became an instant hero to millions of school kids across the country, as did Eric and Dylan, the Columbine High shooters, before him. If this statement horrifies you, please read on.
By all the newspaper and TV accounts, Andy was a marginal, ridiculed, picked on, quite passive, "disaffected and unhappy boy, frequently taunted by his peers." He was called “country boy” and the king of all taunts, “gay.” His classmates described him as “a twerp, skinny, and very quiet.” He laughed off verbal and even physical abuse and never fought back. He was beginning to drink and use drugs to fit in with the crowd. This is much the same profile as the other kids who shot up their schools. It is also the profile of millions of other school kids. Sure, most of them would never do what he did. Fear of the consequences and moral, religious and ethical convictions would have mitigated such a solution. They would just continue to suffer in silence. But to most of them, even to their own horror, the thought, accompanied by a slight smile, of “Pay-back Time!” might have crossed their minds.
In the Columbine High shootings, the press reported at the time that student said the shooters, Eric and Dylan, were continually harassed because of the perception that they were gay. They were regularly called "faggots." I was able to confirm that they were, in fact, under continual pressure for being gay in a conversation with a gay youth in Denver who knew them.
Today, as for the last 35+ years, I work with teens and young adults, many of whom fit this profile. Probably why I relate so well with them is that at their age I, too, fit that profile. I was a scrawny, twerp, teased about big ears, large feet and being too smart. I would have probably been labeled “gay” if the word had been in use then. I laughed off their taunts and never fought back, per my Mother's instructions. Fortunately, I found the protective shelter of the high school drama club and its caring teacher/advisor and by spending lots of time with adults.
The part of my high school experience and how I coped with it, that is most germane to this discussion is that, on many a night, I can remember going to sleep while fantasizing the torture and destruction of my tormentors. Fortunate for me and them, the social controls on kid growing up in the late 1950's, the total lack of support and role models for such action, no guns in our household and my own lack of confidence to even pull off a decent suicide made turning that fantasy into a reality an impossibility. Today, though, kids with these feelings and fantasies have the means, the role models, the support from some of the darker parts of pop culture, and the either active or tacit support of their peers. This is why an immediate preventative action plan is needed.
After these random school shootings, the question is always why did the shooters kill innocent bystanders, people that were not their tormentors? The reason is that after years of being the recipients of teasing, taunting, ridicule and bullying (TTRB) the “Johnny, Billy ….and Coach Williams won’t ever leave me alone” turns into “They won’t ever leave me alone!” At that point, everyone becomes the target of retribution.
Addressing bullying is not enough. Bullying’s three cousins in harassment; Teasing, Taunting, and Ridicule, are different enough and just as much of a problem to the victims to be worthy of addressing on their own right. Ridicule, incidentally, is what teachers do. When I was in high school, it was usually the gym teachers. When teachers ridicule students it presents a negative role model and gives tacit permission for students to engage in TTRB themselves.
Since the shootings in Santee, the usual suggestions for preventing another such tragedy have been offered in the media. As usual, they miss the mark now as they have in the past. The Santee school system had in place all of the most up to date solutions, they had an anti-violence program, adult monitors, all sorts of contingency plans, the works. Obviously, it wasn't enough. So what will work? I have two suggestions based on over 35 years of working with teenagers. The first one is easy to implement. The second is a long-term solution that will not only deal with this issue but will most probably greatly reduce teen use of alcohol and drugs.
Suggestion #1 is to institute in every school, starting with pre-school, a policy of zero tolerance for teasing, taunting, ridicule and bullying (TTRB). In the workplace, today, a slightly off-color or sexual remark can legally be the subject of a sexual harassment lawsuit. However, on school campuses teasing is dealt with, if it is dealt with at all, by attempts at fortifying the coping skills of the victim. I have no quarrel with those efforts and my second suggestion is probably the most effective way to do that, but they are secondary to stopping the aggression, period! “Boys will be boys” will no longer do. Kids can get kicked out of school under the zero gun policy just for pointing their finger like it is a gun at another student. Schools need to be at least as strict in dealing with those who verbally assault their fellow students. Principals, school officials, teachers, other responsible adults and fellow students that tolerate any degree of teasing, taunting and harassment or who join in or initiate the ridicule of a student must be held accountable. Zero tolerance for teasing, ridicule, taunting and bullying AND the failure to report or stop such activities, must become the enforced norm in all schools.
The Newport-Mesa Unified School District in Orange County, Calif. has become the first school system to modify its zero-tolerance policy to include, “any gestures, comments, threats or actions…which cause or threaten to cause…bodily harm or personal degradation.” Strict adoption of this kind of policy, nationwide, will go a long way to eliminating most campus violence including playground fistfights.
Suggestion #2 is to teach self-esteem and self-love to all students starting in pre-school. My experience working with teenagers over the years has lead me to believe that lack of self-esteem and love is the root cause of most, if not all, of student problems including, under-achieving, substance abuse and addictions, acting out behaviors and especially campus violence. The bully, taunter and teaser does so in an effort to compensate for and to fix an emptiness inside by putting someone else down. People who love themselves have no need to oppress others. Kids, who do love themselves, have more resilience to the negativity of their peers. They also are less likely to get caught up in abusive relationships and will be more likely to seek out as partners, those who also have an excess of self-love to share.
How to teach self-esteem and love is the subject of many books, including a future one from me. There is, though, a very effective, ultra-simple and best of all, no-cost solution for teaching self-esteem and self-love. Everyone that I have ever taught this to, from pre-schoolers to adults, has experienced huge improvements. This is one thing that assisted me the most build my self-esteem and love. Here is the description of how to teach it, followed by why I believe it is so effective:
“From now on, every time you see your reflection in a mirror, you MUST smile AND say one nice thing about yourself. This nice thing is something you already know that is good about you. It can be a physical thing, but even better if it is an internal goodness, like being considerate or sharp witted. It is not an affirmation, which is something you would like to believe about yourself and say repetitiously until, hopefully, it sinks in. The other part of this exercise is that if you use the mirror to beat yourself up, you must say two nice things for every nasty one!
This exercise works because it develops a new habit of saying nice things to oneself, which automatically leads of self-love. Most people with low self-love and esteem have a well-developed habit of beating themselves up verbally (and sometimes physically). Perfectionists are the masters of this, since they will always perform below their expectations. When this new habit of smiling and saying nice things to oneself replaces the old self-deprecating one, a new person emerges. A side benefit is that one can't smile and feel down at the same time, so these periodic, face-induced smiles can help break a downward emotional slide.
An important side benefit of the zero tolerance policy for teasing, taunting, ridicule and bullying is a climate that is conducive for building self-esteem and self-love. This will be especially true if the policy includes the school staff. Public ridicule from teachers both sets a bad example and destroys self-esteem.
Now is one of those windows of opportunities when school districts can really do something that will positively affect the quality of life on their school campuses. Immediately adopting my zero tolerance suggestion will so drastically change the campus atmosphere that the need for the picked-upons to engage in any form of retribution or “Pay-Back Time” will be virtually eliminated. Quick implementation of these suggestions will insure that no more lives are needlessly lost.
About the Author:
Jason Wittman, MPS is the Executive Director of Los Angeles Youth Supportive Services, Inc. ( http://www.la-youth.org ) and has a private practice as a Life Coach specializing in working with parents of teenage boys and young adults ( http://TheParentsCoach.com ) He can be reached at jason@theparentscoach.com or 323-969-8726
Would you like to reprint this article? You can, as long as you
publish the entire article and include this complete blurb with
it: "Life Coach Jason Wittman specializes in working with parents
of teenage boys and young adults and teaches parents effective
parenting of their teens. He also publishes "My Coach Jason's Tips
for Winning at Life" monthly ezine. You can subscribe and explore
how you can benefit by his coaching at http://TheParentsCoach.com